Tulane University Logo Tulane University Commencement 2006

 

Remarks by Ellen DeGeneres - May 13, 2006

“They told me everybody would be wearing robes. [WEARING A WHITE BATHROBE] Anybody staying at the “W”? Can you return this for me? That’d be great.

Who’s as hung over as I am, anybody? (CHEERS)

And why the two mikes, why not just one? What happens if I talk in this one?
[PLAYING WITH THE TWO MICROPHONES AT THE PODIUM] Why? Is this one better?

I was in town, and whenever I get a chance to speak after presidents, I say, ‘Get me in there!’ (LAUGHTER)

And this the closest I’ll come to graduating, so I thought I would join you. (LAUGHTER)

I never went to college… I lived here… I was born and raised here... my mother worked at Newcomb when I was a little girl (CHEERS), so I spent time here. She left a sweater if anybody sees it…its blue (LAUGHTER)…or green, I don’t remember I was little.

Seriously, you are amazing people. You are a very famous graduating class, as you know. To go through what you’ve gone through…to get this far, and all of a sudden have to be displaced and go to different schools is quite an experience, that I think will form you, shape you, and mold you, and suddenly you’re Jell-O. (LAUGHTER) I don’t know what to say. (LAUGHTER)

Really, I came up with… to take care of yourselves, because when you’re younger, you don’t really listen…your parents tell you. And so I really want to say it’s: Exfoliate. (LAUGHTER) No, wait. Hydrate is first (LAUGHTER), then exfoliate, and then moisturize, and then exercise, and then floss. So H.E.M.E.F., if you can remember that, that way: H.E.M.E.F. (APPLAUSE) Okay?

I love you. [RESPONDING TO AN AUDIENCE MEMBER]

That’s all, really, I know you’re tired. But there’s a book I’d like to repeat to you. (LAUGHTER) And show you a quick film.

Whose ass is completely numb, anybody? (LAUGHTER) Who has any feeling? Any hands?

No, you deserve to go. So I do want to say that it is important that as you go out into the world that my show is on at different times in different cities, so check your local listings… for times and channels.

Good luck everybody! (APPLAUSE) .